The opposite of me

Last night, while standing in line waiting to vote in the runoff, I realized how self-conscious I've become. As I watched other girls get in line they all looked so professional and put together.

I'm constantly worried that my top isn't long enough to cover my enormous gut. I wear the same thing every other day because nothing else fits. I refuse to buy a winter coat at this size so I just deal with a few layers of clothes. I look like a bum. I don't do much with my hair and wear very little makeup. I wear jeans and a hoodie everyday to work. I haven't been able to wear shoes with a heel since my ankle injury.

I'm sure there are people out there who would kill to be able to wear what I wear to work but I want to feel stylish again. I want to wear my cute XL Gap pea coat with the pink lining. I want to wear boots with heels and nice pants again. It comes down to wanting to feel like me again. I'm NOT this self-conscious person I've become. I'm outgoing and happy with who I am. I'm letting the fat suffocate that cute girl. I'm the VP of a company for Gods sake. I should look like one.

I think the winter has taken its toll on me already. It's been so cold and I haven't gotten my butt out of bed early yet this week. I haven't gone to the pool either. So half the week is gone and I've done nothing for exercise. I just feel flat. I think it might be PMS because I cried in the car yesterday and something my husband said that he meant to be funny. I'm such a dork. He felt horrible about it. We've never even had a fight so it probably surprised him.

What is it going to take to get me in gear? My actions are of a person who doesn't care at all but at the same time I'm more conscious of it than ever. I think about my weight constantly but act like I can't be bothered to change it. Maybe after the 1st of the year I'll think about hiring a trainer again with my bonus. That way I have no choice.